“I am sorry for being sensitive.”
“I am sorry for making you upset.”
“I am sorry for (fill in the blank).”
I recently had several thought-provoking conversations about the phrase, “I am sorry.” Those conversations really made me pause and re-examine this overused, three-word phrase - is it really necessary for us to say “I am sorry” so frequently?
First, let’s define the word “sorry.” According to www.dictionary.com, “sorry” is defined as:
“feeling regret, compunction, sympathy, pity, etc.” Now, let’s look at the two words, “I am.” I am refers to myself or oneself. Let’s put it together:
“I (myself) have regret, sympathy, and pity for what I have done to you.”
When you read that statement, how did you feel? What came to your mind? This leads me to this question - when a person degrades you or dislikes a specific thing you do intrinsically, why would you apologize for being you…the true you? Let me clarify. When I say, “dislike a specific thing you do,” I mean that you may be doing certain things that are completely natural to you and these things could just simply be a part of who you truly are.
I want to illustrate some examples for clarification:
Example A
You like to wake up in the wee hours of the morning so that you can have time alone before your children awake. Your spouse or your child may say to you: “You’re too loud!” or “You need to sleep! Why do you wake up so early?” You respond, “ I am sorry.”
Or…
Example B
You prefer to drive “slow” (within the speed limit) or take your time driving because you are not in a hurry. Your passenger may say, “Oh man. You drive so slow.” or “Oh geez! I wish I was driving.” Again, you respond, “I am sorry.”
Or…
Example C
You like to be introspective and focus on important things, rather than spending an excessive amount of time on your electronic device or on social media platforms. You believe that time is precious and we should use it as a gift. You may have a friend that doesn’t see it that way and instead may say, “Why aren’t you socializing?” or “Why do you spend so much time focusing on yourself?” Your response? Again, “I am sorry.”
My dear friend, think about this - WHY, exactly, are you saying that you are sorry so frequently? We have to recognize that the three-word phrase (I am sorry) is powerful and we must be careful to use it in an appropriate way. Friend, it took me 39 years to learn not to say “I am sorry” as often or as frequently as I had grown accustomed to doing.
The more I say the three-word phrase, and I am giving the person power.
The more I say “I am sorry” for who I am, then I lose myself by pleasing others.
When you know who you are holistically, there is no need or reason to apologize. You do not need to apologize for waking up early. You do not need to apologize for how you drive. You do not need to apologize if you need a break from devices or talking with friends.
Here are some suggestions on things to say that can replace the phrase, “I am sorry.”:
“What I do, works for me!”
“It is okay that you do not like my decisions, but they are mine to make. Do you accept me for who I am?”
“If you do not like how I drive, it is okay. You have a choice on whether or not you want to ride along or you could even find something to do in the car as a distraction.”
“Why does how I use my time bother you?”
Friend, I want to emphasize the importance of this statement: Do not give anyone your power. The power is yours. Just remember that. You do not need to say “I am sorry” all the time. There is a time and place when apologizing is necessary, for example, if you intentionally hurt someone’s feelings by the word choices you used. Or, if you unintentionally snap at someone because you’re tired and/or have not eaten.
Do you see the difference there, friend?
Hold onto your power. Hold onto who you are. You are a gem.
Love,
Ana
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