Seeds

The first six months of 2021 was one of the most trying times of my life. I was so disgusted by my appearance, that I wouldn’t even smile at myself in the mirror. When I glanced at my reflection, all I would see were my physical and emotional scars. I began inadvertently infusing my mind and self-esteem with toxicity due to my negative thoughts. When I did decide to muster up the courage to stand in front of a mirror and face myself, it was just a grim reminder that having cancer stole my positive perspective of my body image.

Seeing my body made me so sad! I have many scars from the surgeries and chemotherapy. One of my most visible scars is on my stomach. My stomach appears pregnant and it looks like I have two belly buttons because I was disfigured during one of the surgeries. Whenever I press firmly on my belly button, I can feel the tightness and pain. Tears would roll down my face because I felt physically awkward. When I would examine my face, I discovered that I had skin discoloration. My oncologist said that chemotherapy may cause these issues but I blamed cancer for taking away my old perception of my body image. Cancer took away my true identity.

In June, I cried out to God! I wept to him, “I miss the old Ana! I miss the skinny me. I miss the energy. I miss having a full head of thick hair and clear skin”! Not long after this, I heard a gentle voice in my ear. It was God. He spoke loving words of encouragement into my mind. “My dear daughter, you are wonderfully made. You are alive. Please do not harm yourself with unwholesome words. Can you speak love to yourself? Can you refrain from speaking mean words to yourself? Try that and see what happens. Remember, your body is not yours. Your body is mine. Fill your body with pure nourishment, and I will do the rest.” I smiled and felt inspired.

Now, reader, you may ask, “What do you mean, ‘fill your body with pure nourishment, and I will do the rest?’” Friend, have a seat and I will explain by using the example of the seed.

Let’s look at the seed. Seeds come in all shapes and sizes, significance and textures. I like to think that seeds represent our scars. Did you know that we all have seeds and each seed has a meaning? Let’s use my body, for example. When I first look into a mirror, I see a large, non uniform shape and dark, bumpy physical scar that makes me cry. What if I told you that this scar is the seed? It is the seed because the scar was a result of a surgery that I had to have to remove a cancerous tumor. It was a lifesaving procedure that had to happen in order for me to enter remission. So instead of looking at the scar with embarrassment, I’ve made the decision to smile and have gratitude that I am alive today.

On the other hand, we all have emotional scars. I want to share a personal story with you. In the past, I was severely traumatized by workplace violence. My situation resulted in deep emotional scars that manifested as triggers. Now, as a response to my trauma, I may appear to be too sensitive and overly worried. Real Talk Kim posted on Facebook today, “STOP listening to everybody’s opinion and ignoring God’s promises.” There is healing in God and His Word alone. I have learned that I need to embrace each trigger and traumatic response as part of my healing. I am thriving each day. I am not “too sensitive”, as people would say. I am not “overly worried” as people perceive me to be. I am a strong, bold, fierce warrior! I may appear to be a pushover, but I am not! I may seem to be a quiet personality - but I’m not nearly as soft as one may think! There is a difference between a woman who is humble and a woman who is quiet. I will let you think about that for a bit.

The physical scars are the seeds of appreciation and growth. The physical scars are seeds of love. The physical scars are the seeds of acceptance. Emotional scars are seeds of change. We are game-changers. We are changing people’s lives through our stories. Our emotional scars are seeds of our voices. We are the voice of our identity.

Now, I am happy to report, I look at the mirror with a smile every day. I wear perfume every day because I feel beautiful. I wear leggings all the time because it is comfortable, and I feel good about myself. I am now watching what I eat because I want to put pure nourishment in my body to do daily tasks with positive energy. I understand that my body is like a car. If I put chemical-laden foods in my body, my body will not fully function because of the brain fog, bloat, mood swings, insomnia, and fatigue. I have promised myself that I will no longer treat my body like garbage - I consider myself an expensive gem! If I were to put diesel gas in my car, the car would have continuous problems because I used the wrong type of gas.

Another change that I’ve adapted is using the word “movement” instead of exercise. The term exercise can be triggering and sounds like a chore from society, mainly because I am a survivor of an eating disorder --- and that is a topic that will be discussed in a future blog. I love doing different types of movements, for example: outdoor walks that allow me to inhale the fresh air, visit the gym with my beloved husband as we create memories and maintain our bond; do yoga to relax; or clean the house. Movements for ME are reminders that I am alive today!

Now, let’s focus on you, reader. I hope after reading this blog, you will look in the mirror with a different lens. I pray that you will begin to love what you see in the mirror because the inner change starts with YOU. Y-O-U are the only person that can change how you view yourself.

Friend, TRY the following right now: Put on lipstick. Hug yourself. Wear your favorite clothing. Talk to yourself with lots of gratitude. Go for a walk! You will be amazed at how you feel after a walk. Do not walk to focus on how many steps you achieve. Do not walk to lose weight solely. Try this way: Go for a walk and pay attention to these details:

Smell. What does the air smell like? Does it smell like fresh-cut grass? Mud from the rain the night before? Flowers from the flower bed?

Strides. How do your legs feel when you walk on short strides? How about long strides? How do your feet feel when you hit the gravel? How do your feet feel when you walk on grass?

Sky. Look at the sky. What do the clouds look like? Can you create imaginary shapes from the clouds?

Birds. Can you see the birds flying? Can you see the different types of birds?

Surroundings. Look at your surroundings. What do you see? Look at the houses to get ideas on how you can do landscaping at your own home!

Wild animals. Look at the animals such as bunnies and squirrels. Look at how happy they look when they get food or eat grass.

My friend, this is your very own chapter of your story. This is your time to embrace the true meaning of the life that you’ve created for yourself. Enjoy that mirror now because it is not your enemy! The mirror is your friend. The seeds are you. The seeds of growth are you. These are the seeds of remembrance of what you endured through your life. This is living proof that you are a beautiful, bold, and strong person. If people do not agree with that perspective, they give you the scissors to cut them out of your life.

Love,

Ana